


The Adventure Zone: A Totally Original Musical

by Fools_Rush_In_TAZ



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Be More Chill - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Les Miserables - Freeform, Post-Canon, Revenge, Taako's Amazing School of Magic, The Greatest Showman, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24821755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fools_Rush_In_TAZ/pseuds/Fools_Rush_In_TAZ
Summary: A musical, entirely in text form? Sure.
Relationships: Kravitz & Angus McDonald & Taako, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Kudos: 1





	1. Act One, Scene One-Peanut Shells

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy this?

The Lonely Hearts Cantina. The last refuge of the defeated and the desperate. Ren knew she could find Taako here. 

After the Day of Story and Song, Taako was a hero. He was everywhere-literally, everywhere, on every plane. His brand was indomitable. His cooking was on everyone’s lips, and his flirty smile was plastered on billboards, marquees, stones of farspeech. There was no hotter property than Taako Taaco.

But that was then. This was now. And Ren knew what happened to the boy who got everything he ever wanted. Taako, as he was wont to do, had grown bored with fame. He had taken to drinking, had fallen off the top of his own brand. He began going out on benders where not even Kravitz, not even Lup knew where he was. But Ren knew Taako, knew his type, and she knew where to find him. 

She pushed open the door to the Cantina and spotted him at the bar immediately-his hat was two feet tall, after all. She breezed up behind him and tapped his shoulder. He turned, drunkenly, hand going to his wand, but stopped when he saw who it was. 

“Little Ren! How droll to see you!” he slurred, shifting on his bar stool to hug her. She obliged him, and he smelled like liquor. 

“Hello, Taako. How are you?”

“I’ve never been better! I’m here with all of my friends,” he gestured to the Cantina, and the various scattered drunks within. “And now you’re here, now we can really party! Friendly, another round of drinks for me and my friend!”

Ren shook her head as the bartender poured. “No, Taako. I’m afraid I’m not here to party. I’m here to bring you back.” Taako rolled his eyes. “Lup and Kravitz are worried about you. And your brand needs you.”

“On that we can agree, mon frere. But I’ve transcended such petty things. I’m a free spirit, don’t you know?”

“Let me bring you back, Taako. I’ve got an offer that I think will excite you.”

“Oh? Well, I suppose I’ll hear it,” Taako said, lurching into an approximately upright position.

From her messenger bag, Ren withdrew a roll of parchment. She laid it out on the counter, revealing her plans. “These are blueprints for the school we’re going to build. With your permission, we’ll call it Taako’s Amazing School of Magic. All I need is your handshake!” Ren held out her hand for Taako to take. He didn’t.

“I’m real busy, Ren, I don’t think I could fit you in even if I wanted to.”

Ren scowled as Taako raised his glass to his lips. Deftly, she took it and downed it. Slamming the glass on the counter and grimacing at the harsh liquor, she launched into her pitch. “Right here, right now, I put the offer out. I don't wanna chase you down. I know you see it.”

Taako scoffed, but didn’t turn away. Ren could see something growing in his eyes. Was that… excitement?

“You run with me and I can cut you free, out of the drudgery and walls you keep in!” Taako looked at the clock, feigning disinterest. Ren put her hand on his shoulder and rotated him to look in her eyes. She pressed an index finger into his doublet. “So trade that typical for something colorful. And if it's crazy, live a little crazy! You can play it sensible, a king of conventional, or you can risk it all and see…”

He smiled and stood to leave. She had him.

“Don't you wanna get away from the same old part you gotta play?” She stood and shouted across the bar. Taako turned halfway around.“'Cause I got what you need so come with me and take the ride!” Boot on bar stool, she rose to meet Taako’s eyes. “It'll take you to the other side!”

Taako turned and leaned his shoulder against the doorframe, smirking. Unabashed, Ren went on. “'Cause you can do like you do,” she twirled, pointing at herself. “Or you can do like me! Stay in the cage, or you finally take the key” She leapt up onto the bar, reaching her fervor. “Oh, damn! Suddenly you're free to fly! It'll take you to the other side-.”

“Okay, my friend, you wanna cut me in,” Taako interrupted, picking up his cape from the coat rack. “Well, I hate to tell you, but it just won't happen.” 

He kicked a stool over to the bar and stepped up, a head taller than Ren, and with a flourish draped his cape over his shoulder. “So thanks, but no, I think I'm good to go, 'cause I quite enjoy the life you say I'm trapped in.” He gestured broadly at the bar, and the lowlives inhabiting it. His people. His world.

He sighed and rested his chin on his fist. Perhaps he wasn’t giving Ren enough credit. “Now I admire you, and that whole show you do,” he said, gesturing at the blueprints in Ren’s hands. “You're on to something, really it's something!”

Ren smiled, encouraged. Taako was quick to dash that encouragement. 

“But I live among the swells, and we don't pick up peanut shells.” He kicked over a bowl of salted peanuts with the heel of his boot, sending nuts scattering across the bar. “I'll have to leave that up to you.”

He hopped off the bar and landed deftly, cruising towards the Cantina’s exit. “Don't you know that I'm OK with this uptown part I get to play?” He turned, arms extended, his finery on full displayed. “'Cause I got what I need and I don't wanna take the ride, I don't need to see the other side!”

He spun his finger in the air dismissively. “So go and do like you do, I'm good to do like me. Ain't in a cage, so I don't need to take the key.” As Ren rushed to stop him from leaving, Taako burst out the doors and muttered a magic word, summoning his spectral horse Garyl. “Oh, damn! Can't you see I'm doing fine?” He mounted his mystical binicorn and turned back to deliver his parting words. “I don't need to see the other side.”

Ren put her hand over his, preventing him from riding off into the sunset. “Now is this really how you'd like to spend your days? Whiskey and misery, and parties and plays?”

Taako shrugged off her hand and gripped Garyl’s reins. “If I were mixed up with you, I'd be the talk of the town, disgraced and disowned, another one of the clowns!”

“But you would finally live a little! Finally laugh a little.” Ren, quick as a child’s wish, stepped in front of Garyl, who reared up to avoid trampling her. Arms outstretched, she made her final plea. “Just let me give you the freedom to dream and it'll wake you up and cure your aching, take your walls and start 'em breaking! Now that's a deal that seems worth taking!” She let her arms fall to her sides and stepped out of the way of the binicorn. “But I guess I'll leave that up to you…”

Taako sighed through his nose and began to ride forwards. After a few trots, he pulled the reins and turned around on his steed to face Ren. “Well, it's intriguing, but to go would cost me greatly. So what percentage of the show would I be taking?”

Ren leapt to attention and grinned wide. “Fair enough, you'd want a piece of all the action! I'd give you seven, we could shake and make it happen!”

Taako scoffed at her extended hand. “I wasn't born this morning, eighteen would be just fine.”

Ren shook her head, adamant. “Why not just go ahead and ask for nickels on the dime?”

“Fifteen,” Taako offered.

“I'd do eight,” Ren countered.

“Twelve.”

“Maybe nine...”

“Ten!” Taako extended his own hand, and raised an eyebrow to her. 

Ren smiled and took the offered hand.

“Don't you wanna get away to a whole new part you're gonna play,” they sang together, locking eyes and grinning. Taako hadn’t been this energized in ages.

“'Cause I got what you need,” Ren sang. 

“So come with me and take the ride!” answered Taako, swinging her up onto Garyl.

“To the other side?” said Garyl, who began to gallop.

“So if you do like I do,” said Ren.  
“So if you do like me?” said Taako.

“Forget the cage, 'cause we know how to make the key!” they sang together as Garyl carried them towards Neverwinter to reclaim Taako’s empire. “Oh, damn! Suddenly we're free to fly! We're going to the other side!”

“So if you do like I do,” Ren explained.

“To the other side,” Taako kept muttering.

“So if you do like me,” Ren started again.

“We're going to the other side,” Taako said in disbelief.

“'Cause if we do we're going to the other side,” Ren told Taako, her hands on his shoulders.

“We're going to the other side,” they said together.

And the sun began to rise over Neverwinter.


	2. Act One, Scene Two-Stars Over the Roost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Taako and Ren enter Neverwinter to begin work on their school, Merle and Magnus try to remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this.

Away in the far north, two red-robed figures arrived at the ruins of a once prosperous town. The winter was deep around them, and they made camp at the heights of the last standing peak of Raven’s Roost. Magnus Burnsides, the fighter, pulled off his hood and came to rest at the fire Merle was building. Merle sat up on his knees, cast his flint aside, and whispered a prayer. The fire burst to life.

“Damned flint. Can’t rely on things like that. Nope, it’s all about ol’ Pan for me.”

“Merle, why are we here?” Magnus asked as he laid out his cot. “I haven’t been back to Raven’s Roost since… Well, since the attack.”

“Uh huh,” Merle said. “And remind me, who was responsible for that attack?”

Magnus opened his mouth to answer, but found… none? It was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, and he could not remember what happened or why.

“Liches,” he muttered. “Damned liches.”

Merle nodded. “Damned liches indeed. Well, old buddy, I thought being up here might jog your memory. Sorry if this was a big waste of time.”

“No!” Magnus interjected. “It’s… it’s good to be back here. I needed to face it. Julia would want me to face it. I can’t run away forever.” The setting sun struck the peak of one of the mountain spires near Raven’s Roost, slashing a shadow across Magnus’s face. “Come on, Merle, let’s get ready to sleep. We have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow.”

Merle nodded, drawing his warhammer Smusher to his chest and threading his fingers across the leather of the handle. Then, quietly, barely audible to Magnus, he began to sing. “There, out in the darkness, a fugitive running, fallen from God. Fallen from grace.”

Magnus pricked up like one of his beloved dogs. He could hear the words Merle was singing, clear as anything, but he couldn’t process them. There was some block, almost like voidfish static, that was preventing him from understanding the intent behind Merle’s words. It was so frustrating! Why couldn’t he understand?

“God be my witness, I never shall yield, 'til we come face to face… 'Til we come face to face…”

It had been seven long years since the Day of Story and Song, and there was much sweetness and joy in their lives. But Merle never forgot, as Taako had, the promise they made to Magnus in Wonderland-to kill Governor Kalen. Merle had quested long and far trying to find the man, to fulfill the promise, but wherever he was, Kalen had managed to elude him. He could find no trace that the man even existed. As a favor to Merle, an apology for the arm-chopping incident, the reaper Kravitz had even checked the registry of the Eternal Stockade, but Kalen was not dead. So somewhere on this plane, Merle’s quarry was hiding, waiting for his hunters to forget and move on. But Merle had nothing but time on his hands, and he would not forget. 

He pondered all of this as he planted Smusher’s head onto the snow and rose to his feet. Magnus was watching, trying to think, to trigger some memory. Merle continued: “He knows his way in the dark; mine is the way of the Lord,” he sang. “Those who follow the path of the righteous, shall have their reward. And if they fall as Lucifer fell, the flames, the sword!”

Magnus sighed in frustration, rolling onto his back on his cot and staring up. The stars here, at least, were familiar. These were the stars overhead on the night he married Julia.

And on the night he left her alone.

“Stars,” he took up the next verse from Merle, who leaned against a low stone wall protecting them from the cliff and watched him. “In your multitudes, scarce to be counted, filling the darkness with order and light. You are the sentinels, silent and sure, keeping watch in the night… Keeping watch in the night…”

As Magnus drifted off to sleep, watching the stars, Merle looked up. He had scarcely been this far north before. As their fire died to embers between them, he gazed into the stars, and knew those same stars were staring down on Kalen as well. So Raven’s Roost hadn’t jogged Magnus’s memories. So what? There were more magics in the world. He would make Magnus remember.

“You know your place in the sky,” he continued. “You hold your course and your aim, and each in your season returns and returns and is always the same. And if you fall as Lucifer fell, you fall in flame!”

Merle stepped up onto that low stone wall, and looked down. The sheer drop from the spire was dizzying, but Merle didn’t step down. He hefted Smusher into his palm and walked along the wall, looking not at his feet, but up at the sky. At the stars.

“And so it must be, for so it is written, on the doorway to paradise that those who falter and those who fall must pay the price!”

Merle had killed men before. Men, gerblins, other dwarves-he was no stranger to violence. But it wasn’t his to kill Kalen. This he had decided long ago. He would find Kalen, yes. But he wouldn’t kill him. That was for Magnus to do. That was why he had to remember. So that when they had Kalen in their grip, he could look the evildoer in the eye, and snuff his life out. And enjoy it.

“Lord, let me find him, that I may see him safe behind bars! I will never rest 'til then! This I swear! This I swear by the stars!”

Magnus stirred but did not wake. Merle glanced over at him, then back up at the sky for one last look. The stars were truly beautiful here.


	3. Act One, Scene Three-Dream-Vision Fantasies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kravitz and Angus grapple with Taako's absence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember in Rockport Limited, when Graham says he had prepared to stop the train, and Taako says, "So you've done this in videogames before?" and Graham goes "Yes! Well, in dream-vision fantasies." and Clint laughs and says "Still don't wanna acknowledge videogames exist." and Graham goes "No tell me more about these video James."
> 
> Yeah. This is like that.

As Ren and Taako rode through the rainy city of Neverwinter, the ever majestic Garyl rode past a large but unassuming home, which in his haste he did not realize was the one he had shared with Kravitz, all those years ago. He didn’t stop to check in. Perhaps he was too drunk, or perhaps he simply forgot. Such obligations as love and family hadn’t burdened him in some time. 

In the basement of that home, his boy, Angus McDonald, the former light of his life, was enjoying himself, a rare occasion given his anxiety and issues with abandonment. He had a friend over, and together they were enjoying a dream-vision fantasy. Brody was a fellow senior at Neverwinter High, and had been Angus’s first friend outside the Bureau of Balance. Brody was sharp, almost as smart as Angus, and was planning on attending Lucas Miller’s magical university in the fall. Angus was uncommitted-he knew he wanted to study magic, but he wasn’t sure where yet. 

At the moment though, school was far from their minds. Their dream-vision fantasy had whisked them off to a world conquered by the undead, and it was their duty as sacred paladins to cleanse it.

“Apocalypse of the Damned!” cried Brody, sword crossed across his face.

“Level Nine!” said Angus. They had never gotten this far before!

“The Cafetorium!” they said together. The fantasy had brought them to the stage of a nondescript high school, which was in the process of being terrorized by skeletons. With a look shared between them, they drew their swords and charged into the fray.

“Find the bad guy, push him aside, then move on forward with your friend at your side!” they sang together as they slashed their way through the first wave of undead. “It's a two-player game, so when they make an attack, you know you got a brother, gonna have your back. Then you stay on track and..” 

Angus charged ahead of Brody, clearing a wave of zombies with purified, sanctified light. But a powerful hellhound charged through the light and leapt at Angus, hitting him square in the sternum and pinning him to the floor!

“Ah! Remain on course,” said Angus. “And if they give you a smack, you..”

“Gah! You use your force!” said Brody, slashing the hellhound to ribbons with his holy blade. “And if you leave your brother behind, it's lame 'cause it's an effed-up world…”

He pulled Angus to his feet, and back to back, they faced the horde anew. “But it's a two-player game! Hey!”

Angus paused a moment to collect himself. Back in Angus’s basement bedroom, Brody turned to him and smiled. “Dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette. It's just that no one else but me thinks that yet.” It was true. Angus, though a savior of the world, had not won over many of his peers. He was, frankly, a big nerd, and nobody but Brody liked him. “You're just a nothing in this high school scheme, but it's no big, 'cause you and I are a team!”

Angus smiled. Brody, like him, was an outcast. Perhaps it was his penchant for skateboarding, or his fascination with older Miller technology. Regardless, the two boys fit together. 

“We like out-of-print games, retro skates, got a Pac-Man tattoo,” Brody laughed, and pulled up his technicolor sleeve to reveal his tattoo of a circular yellow monster devouring dots, a reference to a dream-vision fantasy so old, Roman Miller was still alive when it was released. 

“Nobody here appreciates, but soon we'll be together where they do!”

Angus rolled his eyes. He knew what was coming. “'Cause guys like us are cool in college, cool in college, this I know.” Brody, as a mind flayer, could see limited visions of the future. And he was constantly insisting that the pair of them, when they both attended Lucas Miller’s institute together, would be all the rage. “Guys like us are cool in college. We rule in college, listen bro; high school is hell, but we navigate it well 'cause what we do, is we make it a two-player game!”

Angus couldn’t bear any more college talk. It inflamed his ever-present anxiety. So, he unpaused the dream-vision fantasy, returning them to the action. “Zombie! Watch out!” he cried as Brody dispatched the monster with ease. 

“Ah!” Brody grunted as a beast clawed up his arm.

“Wah!” came Angus’s battlecry as he launched himself against a sword wielding skeleton.

“Ugh,” said Brody as he slashed his blade across a powerful zombie’s neck.

As they fought, Angus began to reflect on their shared history. “As losers, we have fought together for years,” he said. “Both Nintendo zombies and our popular peers. Now we're stuck on a level, and I wanna move on.”

“Just wait two years whereupon,” said the ever laid-back Brody. “You'll realize guys like us are-.”

Angus chimed in along with him, as he had heard this speech about a thousand times. “Cool in college, cool in college, won't be lame.”

“Dude, I know, I get it,” said Angus, as he dispatched yet another skeleton.

“Guys like us are cool in college,” they said together, forming a shield wall and defending against a magical salvo from an undead caster.

“But we're not in college,” Angus insisted. 

“All the same!” said Brody. “High school is whack, but we have each other's back. It's me and you.”

They heard a wicked laugh, and upon the stage, a mighty lich descended, the phantom of the cafetorium. The boys shared a look, and together, they rushed it with their blades forward. “We make it a two-player game!”

“Gah!” said Angus, as the lich blasted him with a fireball.

“Oh!” cried Brody as he got in a good slash with his silver sword.

“Zombie!” Angus warned as a legion of minions attempted to overwhelm his compatriot.

“Hello?” came a voice from the stairs. 

“Blood!” said Brody as the lich blasted him to the ground with a magic missile, causing blood to spray from his chest.

“Son?” said Kravitz, entering the basement and watching his stepson and his friend trip on the floor.

“Claws!” said Angus as the lich tore Brody limb from limb.

“Angus!” Kravitz put his hand on Angus’s shoulder shaking him from the dream-vision fantasy. 

“Pause,” said the boys sadly, putting their dismemberment on hold.

“Hello, sir,” Angus said, stretching and rubbing his eyes to banish the horror of watching Brody being massacred.

“Hey Ango, dinner’s ready,” he said gently. “Are you winning, son?”

“No, Krav, I wouldn’t say so, on account of being murdered by a lich.”

Kravitz laughed. “Murdered by a lich. Well, like stepfather, like stepson.”

“Yeah, sure thing. Can you, like, leave now, sir?” Angus said. “We were kinda in the middle of something.”

Kravitz blinked. “Oh. Yeah, sure thing. Come on up, whenever you’re ready.” He turned to leave, then paused with his hand on the doorknob. “By the way, have you finished those college applications I brought home for you? I was thinking the Magical Academy in Goldcliff would be a good fit for you.:

“Kravitz, would you leave us alone? I’ll get to it, I promise!”

Kravitz nodded, sadly. “Sure thing, bud.”

Angus sighed as Kravitz stepped out and closed the door. He turned to Brody, who was still blinking hard and rubbing his chest to drive out the feeling of being slashed by a lich. “You know that you are my favorite person. That doesn't mean that I can't still dream.”

“Is it really true?” Brody asked, smiling and undoing his binder. “I'm your favowite person?”

Angus rolled his eyes and smiled back. “Yeah, we're never not gonna be a team. High school is shit, and you gotta help me conquer it! It's just what we do…”

“We make it a two-player game!” Brody said, holding out his hand for a high five.

Angus raised his arm to answer the high five. “Find the bad guy push him aside!”

“Then move on forward with your friend at your side!”

“It's a two-player game, so when they make an attack,” Angus said, reaching down to hoist Brody to his feet.

“You know you got a brother, gonna have your back!” Brody answered as Angus pulled him up. 

Angus went to his closet and pulled out a pair of wooden swords. Tossing one to Brody, he struck a fencing pose. “Then you stay on track and-.”

“Ah! Remain on course,” Brody said as Angus bore down on him with his word. “And if they give you a smack, you-.”

“Gah! You use your force!” said Angus, blocking Brody’s riposte. “And if you leave your brother behind, it's lame!”

“'Cause it's an effed-up world but it's a two-player game! Hey!” Brody said, tossing his sword at Angus and charging up the stairs away from him.”

“Two-player game!” Angus laughed, giving chase.

“Two-player game!” Brody said from the top of the stairs, bracing himself as Angus tackled him and sent him sprawling into the living room. 

“He-e-ey!” They laughed together. 

Angus abruptly stopped laughing, as he realized Kravitz wasn’t alone in the living room. Taako was back.


End file.
